How Do I Talk With My Teen About Alcohol and Weed?

The Ask Lisa Podcast does not constitute medical advice and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you have concerns about your child’s well-being, consult a physician or mental health professional.

The following transcript has been automatically generated by an AI system and should be used for informational purposes only. We cannot guarantee the accuracy, completeness, or timeliness of the information provided.

Reena Ninan:
When is the right age for a substance conversation? What are the messages we don’t realize we’re sending?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
How do I say to my kid, don’t drink at the party and if you’re drunk, call me.

Reena Ninan:
It feels contradictory.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Marijuana harms the developing brain, attention, memory focus and learning.

Reena Ninan:
Alcohol and weed. Are those conversations any different?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
They are, actually.

Reena Ninan:
Important topic today. Alcohol and weed. Has weed changed from our years, 30 years ago?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Actually, it’s funny you should ask this. I was just looking at an article in my academic journal that I get as a psychologist. They were talking about how much more potent it is that it’s somewhere between seven and 10 times as potent as it was when we were adolescents. The article was really interesting. It was all these researchers saying basically we have no idea what the impact of this is. We don’t think it’s good, but all of our research is on old information, old models, old weed. That was pretty low key compared to what’s out there now.

Reena Ninan:
Oh, that’s interesting. So they’re re-looking at the research again based on what it currently,

Dr. Lisa Damour:
They’re having to start over. Yeah.

Reena Ninan:
Wow.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Having to start over. And I will say it’s hard to actually research the impact of marijuana on the brain because most people who smoke marijuana, that’s not the only thing they’re doing. They’re also drinking or they’re trying other things, and so it’s very hard to get these super pure research models, but we know enough and what we know is it is definitely not good for the developing brain. We don’t actually need more research to tell us that if the weak stuff was bad for the adolescent brain, the potent stuff of today cannot be good for it.

Reena Ninan:
I want to dive right into this letter from a parent.
Dear Dr. Lisa and Reena, our oldest child is in seventh grade. How can we talk with him about alcohol and weed? We want him to know that scary stuff can happen when experimenting with substances and you can make bad decisions, but we also want him to know that we will pick him up if he’s ever uncomfortable. No questions asked. Grateful to you for all your sound advice.
First off, I love that this parent is open to wanting to have the conversation but also wanting to be there in a moment of trouble, which I think we always have that, “no, don’t do it,” kind of conversation, but how do you also seem accessible? Where do you start, Lisa, with a conversation like this?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
I’m interested in that this is a family asking about a kid who’s a seventh grader. My daughter’s a ninth grader. You’ve got an eighth and ninth. So just thinking back to last year for you, Reena, was this a topic that you felt you wanted to talk with your kid about when they were in the seventh grade? One of the things, I’m not saying it’s too early, but I’m struck by the timing of this letter. Were you all there when your kid was in the seventh grade?

Reena Ninan:
No. I think they would’ve giggled and not taken it seriously and every community is different, right? But I also feel like most parents probably don’t realize their kid is maybe using substances and you assume they’re not maybe in some cases.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Right. So this is interesting question in this letter is first of all, there are communities where seventh graders are into this stuff, and so if you know that’s your community, definitely this is a conversation to be had. I think there’s also the get out in front of it conversation, right? I remember a kid one time said to me, it was actually somebody my age, but he was talking about his adolescence. He was like, by the time my parents had the birds and bees conversation with me, I’d been having sex for two years.

Reena Ninan:
So funny. Oh my gosh, what a great example though.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Who knows what’s really true, but exactly right, and so I like the get out in front of it, quality of this, but I think that how you bring it up will hinge on how much exposure you think your kid actually has. So if we go with the idea of it’s already sort of in the mix, it’s already happening. Actually I think my advice is the same either way and it’s the same. It’s my always advice. You start by saying, “What do you know about alcohol and weed? What’s going on? Are any kids in your community, any kids using it?” I think that that’s where you start no matter what. So if you had said that to your kid last year, you think you would’ve gotten a, “I don’t even know what you’re talking about,” or what do you think would’ve happened?

Reena Ninan:
I think they would’ve giggled and not taken it seriously, but I think about my own teen years. Do your parents really know what you’re up to and what you’re discussing and what you’re talking about? And so I am on the side of have the conversation early.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
One thing I would say that’s just really important around how we broach these conversations besides my constant advice of ask them what they know in a kind of non-judgy way. In my experience, kids are always like, “Why is this coming up now? What did I do? Why do you think I need this conversation?” I think sometimes parents can read something or listen to our podcast and be like, all right, we’re going to have this conversation when the kid walks in the door and the kid’s like, “Where is this coming from?” So I would also say, unless the kid has sort of tipped their hand and said like, “Oh my god, kids are partying on the weekends.” I think it’s also worth saying, “Hey, I just happened to hear this thing and I was curious. It made me think I wanted to talk with you about this,” but give them a little bit of here’s why this is coming up now.

Reena Ninan:
It’s so funny. You had mentioned about the kid and having sex before the parents even have the conversation, but just like having that birds and bees conversation, when is the right age for having a substance conversation, whether it’s alcohol or weed?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
I think for seventh grade we’re like, we’re right in the zone of where you might start to bring it up. Some families are already “having the conversation” before they’re having the conversation in that the parents themselves are drinking. Also, Reena, a lot of parents are using weed.
One of the things want to take into account is that it’s not like if families are using alcohol or using weed and the kids are aware of it, which I would say basically you need to assume the kids are aware of everything that you’re up to. The quote un-quote conversation is already well underway.

Reena Ninan:
Because they see us using it.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Absolutely, right. It is already part of their lives and you’re already sending messages about how, when, why one might engage with these in bringing up the conversation. So say that we say stick with the seventh grade idea and the kid’s like, “Yeah, no, I don’t know. I’m not really hearing anything.” Then I think the next step in the conversation is, okay, but what does the kid already know based on living in your family? What do they already observe about the use of these substances and if they are part of family life, even if the kid is not using them recreationally doesn’t even know kids who are using them recreationally. My husband drinks beer. My body hates alcohol, hates it. Do you all drink in front of your kids? What’s your?

Reena Ninan:
We do. Yeah, we do. And that is another conversation I love to have with you is when you’re having alcohol, and I think even a lot of parents, some parents might have this experience where kids see at a very young age and then my kids would reach for a wine glass and want to put milk in it. And so what are things that we should keep in mind when you’re using whether it’s legal or illegal, what are the messages we don’t realize we’re sending?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
So that’s really important. I mean if the parents getting really drunk, that’s a factor in talking and thinking with kids about their alcohol use. If the parent is openly using edibles in front of their kids, that’s a factor in how these conversations are going to go.
Let’s go with best case scenario, best case scenario, which is that the adult has a healthy relationship with these substances and, Reena, one of the things I was trained in and I always felt this was such a useful thing, think about your relationship with alcohol say, and I would say increasingly with legalized marijuana, like any relationship, it can be healthy, it can be unhealthy. A healthy relationship with alcohol is you use it to enhance your life. You use it to enhance a meal you use to enhance a nice social experience, but you’re not dependent on it. It’s not messing with your life, it’s not making your life worse.
It’s not running your life. So if the adult has a healthy relationship, and I think you can substitute in marijuana for the same thing that it is legal in many states, there are plenty of adults who you have a healthy relationship with marijuana. As long as it’s healthy, I think you’re actually pretty well positioned to use that as a way to talk with your kids about use. If it’s unhealthy, that’s another story. If you know, or know some other adult in your house has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, you’re going to want to get that sorted out because it will no question impact how your kid deals with these substances. We know that.

Reena Ninan:
Because watching how you’re dealing with it and how you’re consuming it and they’re learning from that, whether you realize unspoken or not.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
A hundred percent.

Reena Ninan:
So let’s say the adult has a healthy relationship. Let’s start on that baseline. How do you have this conversation with your kid to where they take you seriously and don’t roll their eyes? How do I, I want my words to have weight.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Okay, I’m on a bumper sticker kick. I think we should also make a bumper sticker of this. Kids care what we say that we want them to do or not do. We have research showing that if you say to a kid, “I don’t want you drinking at parties or I don’t want you experimenting with weed,” they do roll their eyes and they often roll their eyes just because they don’t like to be told. And that’s a way of sort of pushing back on being told. But we also have data that they comply, that they’re less likely to drink, that they’re less likely to experiment with drugs. If we say we don’t want you doing this, it’s also great to back it up with a reason. But we know that even making the rule makes a difference. A great place to start is you say, “Okay, what do you know?” And kids like, “I know nothing.” And then you say, okay, “We should talk about this because it’s going to be in your life sooner rather than later. It’s going to come up before long. Here’s where I’m at, here’s where we are. We don’t want you experimenting with this. We don’t want you experimenting with alcohol, we don’t want you experimenting with marijuana.”

Reena Ninan:
But just saying that I feel like you say kids always look for conflict. So me just saying that I feel like sets the conflict up. Of course they’re now going to do it.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Well that is true that they may be like, “Ooh!” Right? The way to get a teenager sometimes to be inspired is to tell them they can’t. Even though we have data saying here’s our, here’s the rule. Then I think the next thing is you create a rationale. It’s actually not hard to create that is neutral, that it’s not. Don’t do it cause I said, don’t do it. That’s the way to get a teenager to want to do something. It’s “Don’t do it because it’s not safe and whether I catch you or not, whether anyone finds out, it’s not safe and your safety is the most important thing.” So that’s the follow up.

Reena Ninan:
Defaulting on safety.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Always. We are at home or we are at a restaurant. We know who’s driving If I’m going to drink my spouse doesn’t, we talk about how we make very careful decisions to maintain safety. All of the variables are controlled. We’re in the safety of our own home. When I talk with teenagers about this, I will say, “You know, alcohol, it will not cause you to burst into flames. No one’s going to say that that’s not true. But alcohol plus party plus a bunch of teenagers, there are so many variables that could go sideways there that the alcohol makes an already dicey situation more dangerous. And that’s the big issue on even a small amount of alcohol.”

Reena Ninan:
Let me ask you this. Is the conversation on alcohol, should it be the exact same conversation you have about weed? Are those conversations any different?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
They are actually. They are. So, okay, so the alcohol conversation, it’s got two parts. I think the weed conversation unfortunately has like 40 parts at this point. But the alcohol, it’s so complicated Reena.

Reena Ninan:
I believe it.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
The alcohol situation, so one is you say, “Even a little bit if you are at a party and things go sideways and your judgment’s compromised like you are unsafe. So even a little bit is not okay.” The other way kids get themselves in trouble with alcohol, adults get themselves in trouble with alcohol is they consume a huge amount and they suppress their central nervous system and they put their body at risk. When I talk with teenagers, I’m like, there’s two ways to get yourself into a dangerous situation with alcohol a little bit under uncontrolled situations or a lot under any situation. And you could really, really come to harm. Alcohol weirdly, Reena, it’s kind of easy. Okay, weed. It has gotten so complicated. What do you think your kids know about edibles?

Reena Ninan:
I mean, who knows what they are watching on YouTube? I’ll put it that way. And I honestly would tell you I have no idea what they know about edibles.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
I know, and I’ll tell you, I have no idea what my ninth grader knows about edibles. I don’t know. I mean I know she knows what they are because in her school community, kids are, she talks about the fact that kids are using them, but I don’t know that she knows how they operate. I can’t imagine she’s got a ton of really excellent information on this.
And part of what’s so hard about the weed conversation, Reena is alcohol is alcohol, is alcohol. What we knew as adolescence is still true today. The weed we were using, if we were using, first of all, like I said at the top, it is not the same weed kids are using today. Also, Reena growing up, the kids who used weed, they just all smoked it, right? I mean were you aware of any other form that kids were using weed in besides smoking it? I mean maybe some kid every once in a while would make brownies. But like?

Reena Ninan:
No, I just think it’s a totally different era right now and I’m just confused as a parent as to navigate it. And by the way, after doing this podcast, I’m a full believer in having early conversations. And we’ve talked about this with suicide for instance, and also about seeing porn. These are things where you’ve approached me, I’m like, we should do a topic and it’s like absolutely not. No, this is so weird.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
The masturbation one, that was your favorite. That was it.

Reena Ninan:
Oh my god, I was so uncomfortable on that. But it was such a needed conversation, right? And just like parents are afraid to have a conversation about suicide, that we have research that you have told us shows that it doesn’t open the door on this. So how do I do this in a way that makes me still accessible as a parent? They feel like they can come to me, but that I lay the dangers out that they might not see. I guess that’s what I want to do.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
That’s a beautiful question. I mean that’s the beautiful question. Like okay, I agree I want to do it, but I don’t want to step in it and I don’t want to close it down. Any parent walking into this conversation probably needs to spend some time educating themselves on today’s weed, right? So it’s stronger. Edibles are a big deal. They are very common for kids to be using. Edibles are complicated when people use them, unless they are getting them from a dispensary and know their grams or whatever, you don’t know how much weed is in that. It takes a long time for it to actually hit because it has to go all the way through the stomach. So people end up in the ER because they take an edible, feel nothing, take another edible, feel nothing. And then the next thing they know, they’re completely overwhelmed by THC. Kids are also using dab pens.
Adults are also using dab pens, which are vape pens with marijuana in them, THC in them. So this is such a different universe. So you want to have some knowledge base. Now you don’t have to be expert in it. You may use yourself and you may know plenty. That’s fine. I think that the take home for teenagers is to say alcohol compromises your judgment and it can harm your brain, which is true. THC, marijuana, weed, any form you’re using it in compromises your judgment. Getting high means that you are no longer totally in control of the situation and kids are, when they’re often doing this, they’re not in great situations. And then the other factor is we know, we know, we know that marijuana harms the developing brain until somebody is 24 or 25 years old. It really stands to affect attention and memory and focus and learning. And kids, they may look up one study and say, well, they didn’t find it here you can say, listen, the scientific consensus on this, there’s no discussion.

Reena Ninan:
But it’s hard Lisa to understand that as a teen when maybe you’re vaping or you’re doing weed and it takes the pressure off and you start to feel better. So how do I compete if they’ve tried that and they’re not in a phase in life that you’re telling me where my word is the gospel and it’s quite the opposite. And if the immediate relief they are feeling by using substances is so good, how am I ever supposed to compete with that?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
I mean that’s the key, right? Is that kids use these and they feel good, right? That’s why substances are so dangerous. If they felt bad, we wouldn’t have to control ’em, right? So say that you have a kid who says to you, “You know what? I’m getting straight a’s. I’m working so hard. I am playing sports, I’m doing all these things, I’m a great kid,” which is often the case. “Why can’t I smoke a little weed on the weekends with my friends to blow off steam? Why can’t I?” I could totally see a 16, 17, 18-year-old? And then of course, “You smoke weed or I’ve seen I am around kids who are also great kids who occasionally do this,” number one, and I think this is one of the most powerful things that you can say in all of parenting. “At the end of the day, I cannot control what you do.”
I think it’s really important to lay those cards on the table to say, “I cannot actually control what you do. And if you want to smoke weed on the weekends with your friends every once in a while, I actually can’t stop you. I actually can’t stop you.” I think making it clear, “I’m not getting into a power struggle with you about this,” because the kid actually holds all the power in that struggle. But then say, “The reason we worry about drugs is that they draw people in. They draw people in over time. So a little bit, sure, I’m not going to say that this is going to ruin your life, but the nature of substances is that after a while you want a little bit more and then you want a little bit more. And so the most sure way to never get yourself into trouble with substances is to not start.”

Reena Ninan:
To not start.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
That’s what I would say. What do you think?

Reena Ninan:
Powerful. No, it’s powerful. It’s powerful. But I have to tell you, that analogy makes me think about brownies. I just can’t stop. But I guess that’s a healthier, yes.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
It is healthier, but chocolate has that quality. When you have chocolate, you want more chocolate, right? And interestingly, it’s very funny that you say that because there are neurological pathways where pleasure centers get laid down and once they’re laid down they actually are very hard to get rid of. And heroin lays one down, nicotine lays one down. Chocolate. Chocolate I believe actually has a very sort of core desirous neurological quality.

Reena Ninan:
That is fascinating. I pay for very good quality chocolate and I have some every night before I go to bed. I love it.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
I remember my older daughter, she was 18 months old before we’d ever given her chocolate. I don’t know why it hadn’t come up. And she was this such a cute little girl and I gave her a piece of a chocolate cookie and she, her eyes lit up and she got this. I was like, oh my gosh. Chocolate is no joke. It pushes different buttons than other foods.

Reena Ninan:
That is interesting. Oh my gosh, I’m going to start handing out chocolate to the teens in my neighborhood instead.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Well, yeah, but it’s such a good analogy, right? If you never start, you don’t put yourself at risk. And Reena the piece, and I’ve seen this in my practice, I’ve seen it in my community. This is the heartbreaking piece. I’ll know a kid will be taking care of a kid who’s smoking some weed and this weed, they’re smoking. It’s starting to actually get in the way of their lives. They’re having trouble getting to school on time. They’re forgetting assignments they’re not doing as well academically because it does make you fuzzy. It does interfere with functioning in that way. And then they’re kind of low or they feel down about the fact that they’re not doing as well and people are now mad at them and so they smoke more weed to feel better.

Reena Ninan:
I could see that.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
And then the more weed they smoke, the more their grades are going down, the more their friends are finding them annoying and then they smoke more weed to feel better about that. So I think that’s the argument of, I mean you can’t say to a kid, “If you ever touch weed, you will burst into flames.” That also is not true. But you can say, “The surest way to never have this take control of you is to not even start.”

Reena Ninan:
“The surest way to never have this take control of you is never to start.” That is worth underlining. That is really worth underlining.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
A bumper sticker.

Reena Ninan:
You love your bumper stickers. I’m going to have to call a bumper sticker company and get the season six bumper stickers. I know, I love it.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
I know. I don’t know why I’m stuck on bumper stickers right now.

Reena Ninan:
And it’s great. But you know why? Because people need quick and easy sayings that kind of hit and these issues that you flag every week are just so resonant and important in the moment that a bumper sticker solves that problem of getting to the heart of the matter.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
All over my car.

Reena Ninan:
I love it. I love it. We’ll have to get you a new car now. In this letter, the parent also asks that she wants a no questions asked approach, meaning you’re in trouble. You call me. I’m not going to ask any questions. Is that something parents are doing? And I have to tell you as a parent, I’d love to have that relationship. What a dream to have that is that realistic and how do you do that?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
I think it’s great. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I think it’s great. I think let’s bring in some wrinkles and some layers to this. So I am a hundred percent behind the idea of every parent saying to their kid, “I will never make you sorry that you asked for my help. If you are at a party and things feel out of control, I will never make you sorry that you asked for my help.” I actually think no questions asked might be like that night, you’re not going to get into it that night. I think I would leave the door open of being like, we need to talk in the morning about why you were 30 miles away from our house at a party that got out of control. I think leaving that possibility open of like we may need to unpack a little bit, what went down. I think is probably more realistic. The place where I see sometimes people get hung up and I want to just direct this, hit this head on is I hear people get hung up where they’re like, “How do I say to my kid, don’t drink at the party and if you’re drunk, call me.”

Reena Ninan:
It feels contradictory.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Those feel totally contradictory. I agree. They do. And I still think you can say both. You can say, I don’t want you drinking at the parties because it is not safe. It is just not a good situation to be at all compromised in. And then I think the way you say it is, but I know sometimes bad choices get made and I know sometimes things happen that you regret. Your safety is number one. It is number one and number one and number one through 10. If you find yourself in a situation, even if you have done what I have asked you not to do, I am still your first call and you will never be sorry.

Reena Ninan:
I am still your first call and you will never be sorry.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
I mean good kids do dumb things. That is the rule of caring for adolescents. Good kids sometimes do dumb things.

Reena Ninan:
That’s another bumper sticker. We got to call that bumper sticker company, Lisa. So on the contradictory point that you’re making, both can be true is what you’re saying?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Yep. Yep. You can say ’em both and I think you should say ’em both. I actually really think you should say ’em both. We don’t want you to. Here’s why. If a bad choice gets made we’re your call.

Reena Ninan:
Are you seeing more and more teens using substances more than we have in years past?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
No.

Reena Ninan:
No, really? I’m shocked to hear you say that

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Reena. This is the best behaved generation of teenagers on record. No, I was actually just looking at these numbers. It’s funny you should ask. In 2011, 23% of teenagers had tried marijuana. At some point in 2021, 15% of teenagers had tried marijuana. I have to tell you, no one is more surprised than I am. When weed started to be legalized everywhere, I was like, oh my gosh, like the lids going to blow off. They’re going to be using it like crazy. That is not what we’re seeing. The thing we are seeing, and I remain worried about this, I worry rarely, but I worry about this in communities that have legalized marijuana where there’s a ton of advertising where kids are driving by all the time like signboards and signage on buildings, there’s some evidence that it has kids using younger. So the percentage of kids who use may not actually be shifting all that much. But when it’s normed, and you know how I feel about norms, when it’s normed in the community where kids are passing it all the time, we see some younger use. It’s funny, you know I’m not that prudish and I don’t get that hung up on things. We have all of these laws about the advertising of alcohol, really severe laws. You can’t put a billboard within 500 yards or 500 something of a school. You can’t advertise alcohol on TV in very particular ways. Not that people are advertising weed on tv, but it’s very, very well regulated, intensely regulated. None of that has happened for the legalization of marijuana. And that makes me worried.

Reena Ninan:
What do you want to leave parents with as we’re closing up on this conversation, knowing that statistic too. Because once your kid goes down this slope, it is so hard and difficult and also getting focus of any teen, let alone a teen using substances. What should we keep in mind?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Well, the risk is real and we need to be talking with kids about it. And even though statistically not very many kids are using, I mean 15%, that’s a really small number. What we know in communities is everybody knows who they are. Everybody thinks more kids than that are using. Even if it’s not your kid or you don’t think it’s your kid. You got to have these conversations and you want to be as neutral as you can. You want to be as science-based can, and it’s like safety, safety, it always comes down to safety.

Reena Ninan:
That’s really what you want as a parent. You want your kids to be safe and happy.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Yep.

Reena Ninan:
Alright, Lisa, what do you have for us for Parenting to Go?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
I think another strategy. We talked about the seemingly contradictory “Don’t, and also call me,” another strategy I really believe in offering kids is that they can blame their good behavior on you. That you can say to your kid if you’re at a party and people are smoking and you don’t want to. And the way to get out of it in that moment is to say, “My folks are really rigid. They randomly test me.” You can make up whatever you want to make up. And on that one, I know sometimes people feel like, no, no, my kid should be able to be honest. Great. If your kid in that context can be like, “Guys, not for me,” fantastic. Right? That’s not going to be true for every kid in every moment. And I sort of feel like this is why we have white lies. I would rather have a kid white lie and not smoke weed than feel like it’s honest or bust and so then smoke because they don’t know what to do. So that’s another, I think, wonderful sort of trap door to offer kids, who may never use it, may never need it, but I think they should have it.

Reena Ninan:
I’ll see you next week.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
I’ll see you next week.