The Emotional Lives of Teenagers Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents

What about emotional expression that causes harm either to your teenager or to someone else? Sometimes a teen comes home from school in a rotten mood and takes out his frustration—either physically or verbally—on an unsuspecting younger sibling who happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes angry teenagers will say hurtful things to people they care about. When anything like this happens, it should always be taken seriously. The teenager’s emotions may be entirely justified, but the way those emotions are being expressed is a problem. As the adults on the scene, we’ll want to help teens learn to see this critical distinction. “I get it that you had a hard day,” you can say, “but attacking your sister isn’t how to deal with it. You can tell me what’s wrong, go for a run, or find some other way to feel better. Just leave your sister out of it.” Or: “It’s okay to be pissed, but you can’t speak to me like that. Let’s talk when you’ve had a chance to calm down.”...

When our children are young, they almost invariably look up to us. But as they age into adolescence, aided by their new neurological power, they start to catch on to our shortcomings. On top of that, teens’ normal drive to become separate from us compels them to see us from a new and removed perspective. Whereas they used to accept us without question, now they give us feedback. This has certainly played out in my own home. It has long been true that I lay down household policies that I believe in, but don’t always follow, such as not bringing a cellphone to the dinner table. Nor am I above resorting to guilt to get my way. But not until my daughters were teenagers did they begin to comment that I am “a total hypocrite” or, when I drop a passive-aggressive comment, to playfully retort “Get out the luggage—we’re going on a guilt trip!”...