Can I Get My Entitled Teen to Change?

The Ask Lisa Podcast does not constitute medical advice and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you have concerns about your child’s well-being, consult a physician or mental health professional.

The following transcript has been automatically generated by an AI system and should be used for informational purposes only. We cannot guarantee the accuracy, completeness, or timeliness of the information provided.

Reena Ninan:

Oh, how’s the school Year going?

Dr. Lisa Damour:

It’s good. It’s good. We’re looking at two school years. We’re looking at eighth grade and we’re looking at what is it like 17th grade, junior year? 15th grade. 15th grade, I guess. I mean, it’s good. It’s good. It’s amazing to watch kids grow. I mean, that’s the thing. It’s so incredible. And then to watch all their friends grow alongside them.

As a psychologist, I live for this. How about you guys?

Reena Ninan:

I’m just overwhelmed by all the carpooling already. I want my summer back. There’s a lot going on. I

Dr. Lisa Damour:

Know. I

Reena Ninan:

Know. So

Dr. Lisa Damour:

You’re so good.

Reena Ninan:

Yeah. I’m curious what your advice is for parents as you’re trying to get into those routines.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

Stick with it with with good advice and routines are the glue that holds us together. I think people are starting to find their rhythm routines, reduced decision making. You know what a fan I am of routines. And there’s just like Cardona said, the freshness of the school year. It’s all so full of potential.

Reena Ninan:

Yeah. Education Secretary Cardona, that was a great kickoff episode if you haven’t heard it. So there are a lot of things we want to pass on to our kids, and I love this next letter we’re talking about, because some of us might have entitled kids and you don’t want them to become entitled adults. So what do you do? I want to read you this letter. It says, hi, Dr. Lisa. Your podcast is amazing. I truly appreciate you sharing your expertise. We are a blended family with five kids. The youngest two ages 14 and 13 are ours together. We’ve always been on the stricter side of parenting, trying to instill good values, manners, work, ethics, et cetera. We’re finding that our youngest daughter, 13 years old, is very much entitled. She refuses to do chores initially, but eventually does them. It’s extremely upset when she doesn’t get her way and has become extremely argumentative with everyone in the family. Aside from being the baby of the family, there must be something we did or didn’t do with her for her behavior to be this way. Do you have any suggestions for how to solve the problem of an entitled teen? Hoping it’s not too late to fix it. Any help is greatly welcomed. Thank you. Sometimes I just think there’s certain things in parenting. It’s just too late and I throw my hands up. Is this one of them?

No,

Dr. Lisa Damour:

It is not too late. And Reena, as you were reading the letter, I had this memory of standing in the grocery checkout line at my local NANS grocery store and running into the mother of a kid. I saw years and years and years ago. I mean, the nice thing is I’ve been practicing in the same community for 24 years now, so I get these huge story arcs and great mom, great kid. I remember, I think the kid was 13

When they came in together and it was basically exactly this picture. The kid was self-centered, entitled, really, really powerful personality. The mom felt used by this kid. The kid would be kind of nice when the kid wanted something and then the mom would give it a ride to the mall or whatever. And then as soon as the kids didn’t get her way, she was just bitter and difficult and seemed all about herself, all about her wants and wishes and indifferent to everyone else. So that was this kid at 13. So then I think it was now about five or six years ago, I run into her mom, I’m bagging my groceries, and her mom comes up. She’s like, I want you to know my kid is incredible. I mean at this point she was out of college. She’s like, she is the greatest. She is the most effective. She is the most generous, she’s the most decent. She has turned into an adult I love. I was like, yes, of course. So I just want people to know it can be a long arc, but it does often land.

Reena Ninan:

But what do you think that parent did to flip the switch on that?

Dr. Lisa Damour:

Well, I think first of all, she sought help, which is not to say I fixed it,

Reena Ninan:

Right,

Dr. Lisa Damour:

But it is to say that she didn’t just get pissed at the kid and entrench into some ugly, what’s wrong with you? What’s wrong with you? I mean, there was sort of, this isn’t working. Let’s go see if we can find somebody who can help us sort it out. And I don’t truth, I mean I could pull the file. I don’t remember the details of the work all that much at this point. It’s like 15, 20 years ago. But I think that the work probably was around what I would advise to this family, which is treat this as temporary. Treat this as just a slice of who your kid is in this moment. Don’t assume this is permanent. Assume your kid is going to grow and change and move through and pass this phase. And meanwhile, try to engage it as little as absolutely possible I think is probably what I said then. And that is what I would say to these wonderful letter writers.

Reena Ninan:

When you look at this letter, the mom saying that this kid just doesn’t do any chores, it’s really difficult. What do you say to parents who are struggling to get kids to consistently do things like chores?

Dr. Lisa Damour:

Well, so it sounds like she’ll do ’em, but grumbling the whole time. Okay, so one of my favorite educators has this fabulous saying, which is complain but comply.

Reena Ninan:

Tell me more. Tell me

Dr. Lisa Damour:

More. I think it’s so smart because educators are constantly having to tell kids, pick up your stuff, move your bags out of the hallway, all of the stuff. Being an educator means you’re basically redirecting kids constantly. And I just love that this educator who cares for teenagers is like, you can complain all you want. Just do what I ask. And I think

Reena Ninan:

I feel like getting to the point of do, as I say, is a World War III

Dr. Lisa Damour:

At this age. So let’s think about it. So also just note 13, this kid’s 13. I know we could call this podcast 13. It’s so hard in family life when your kid hits 13. And so from many, many conversations, of course it’s spicy. You got a 13-year-old on your

Reena Ninan:

Hands. Yep.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

Okay, so let’s slice this out. You’d say unload the dishwasher and the kid rolls their eyes, grumbles, grumbles and does it. I would just say, you know what? Ignore it. Ignore it. They did what they were asked. They don’t have to pretend to like it. And I think sometimes, especially with girls, we can be like, I want you to do it and I want you to pretend to it. I’m like, just as long as they do

Dr. Lisa Damour:

It.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

Then there’s a kid where you’re unload the dishwasher and they’re like, none of those are my dishes. I’ve heard that one

Reena Ninan:

Before

Dr. Lisa Damour:

That. And then I think you can say, Hey, you’re a member of this family. Our family’s an organization. We are counting on you to help keep the organization running. You could try that. And if the kid is still like, yeah, but none of those are my dishes, I’m not doing it. I think the goal here is to try not to blow your top because this is pretty obnoxious. And I think you can say, look, that is one of the responsibilities we hold you to in this house, and your privileges are contingent on meeting your responsibilities. If you want to ride over here, if you want me to take you to Sephora over there, if you want all of these things that you want. Because the good thing about 13 year olds, they want stuff. It hinges on you doing your part and it hinges on your privileges. So it’s your call, you unload the dishwasher or I unload the dishwasher.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

If

Dr. Lisa Damour:

You unload it, these options remain available. If I unload it, this is off the table for a week.

Reena Ninan:

Yeah. When you deal with kids getting upset about not getting their way, what’s your advice on dealing with that?

Dr. Lisa Damour:

I will tell you, I think the engage as little as possible with the behavior you’re trying to extinguish, right? So when we think about behavioral science with animals, a response is often reinforcing. So if the kid is disappointed and a lot of raising kids is to disappoint our kids, they want something we can’t give it to them. There’s some new fabulous fanny pack, which thank God have made a comeback. I tried to push fanny packs back like 10 years ago and ran, you could see this happening,

But there’s some new fanny pack that is better than the fanny pack she already has and wants one. And you’re like, no, you’ve got the nice fanny pack. We’re not getting you another nice fanny pack. Okay, so this kid has, let’s imagine a real eruption around this. Why takes it terribly? What has happened is she is very, very, very stirred up. That news is disappointing. It’s made her very upset inside. And one of the ways that people, especially teenage people get relief for an upset feeling is they externalize it. They spread it all around. She’s upset. And now the goal to get some relief, and this is unconscious, is probably to make the parent upset because then now I don’t have to sit alone with this upset feeling. Everybody’s upset if she’s like, what? No, you’re the most horrible parents in the world. I need this new fanny pack. Everybody else, every other kid in my entire class has this fanny pack. If you participate in that, you’re reinforcing it. You’re saying This is the system by which you can get relief. You get upset, and then you get me upset, and now we’re having this fight. And you don’t have to sit with that uncomfortable feeling. You’ve spread it all around the house.

Reena Ninan:

Yes.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

So the goal is to try to not engage in getting activated with the kid.

Reena Ninan:

Okay,

Dr. Lisa Damour:

We are going to return to, but what if you do? Because it’s almost impossible not to

Dr. Lisa Damour:

A hundred percent.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

So I think the kind of response that I would put in the place of engaging in an activated way, kids could you, whatever dah, dah, dah, is you could be like, look, I get it. You’re disappointed. I am sorry. We don’t always get what we want. This is a tough one, and I think you’ll find a way to come to terms with it, but to be empathic, but not buckle or participate

Reena Ninan:

Empathic but not buckle. I think the problem is I go straight to buckle before any sort of empathic

Dr. Lisa Damour:

Because we’re tired.

Reena Ninan:

Yes, yes. And it’s usually at the end of the day when they’re asking, and then it’s built up when I realize the house is a total disaster and this should not fall all on me.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

No. And so you’re like, you know what? Here go get the, just make it go away. No, I totally get it. I totally get it. And here’s really cool. Our kids are incredibly durable and parents can constantly do what I’m not advising, and their kids are going to come out great anyway. Say 99, you’re 90% of the time,

Reena Ninan:

You’re totally right. So in that moment of when kids get really upset about something, what is the top three things parents should do? Walk us through a guided without losing the plot on this.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

Okay. So I would say first of all, try to hold on to the fact that the experience emotionally for teenagers is very different than it is for us.

That may seem like a dumb little fanny pack to you, to the seventh or eighth grader whose peers all seem to have it in their perception and who is being denied it. That fanny pack may feel like it is the key to social connection and not being left behind in the Serengeti in that kind of primitive way that kids can feel about belonging to a pack and having group membership. So if you can, when the kid is spinning out about something that strikes adults as really material, really petty, really dumb, an overreaction, if you can try to remember how scary it feels as a young teenager, especially to in any way be distanced from one’s peers, I think that that can then get you to step two, which is to try to summon some empathy. And then I think it can maybe get you to number three, which is not holding a grudge.

So here’s the hardest I have found in my own parenting of teenagers. They move so fast emotionally. So you can have an interaction like this in the kitchen, which is just a yucky, right? It’s ugly. And maybe you get through it and you’re like, you know what? We’re not getting you the fanny pack, and I am sorry, and you’ll figure this out and I think you’re going to be okay. But I understand you’re upset, right? So maybe you do steps one and two. That doesn’t mean you’re cool with it, right? Right. No, you’re right. Yeah. And then the thing that’s hard, Rena, and you’ve got teenagers too. You leave the room, you go do something else, five minutes later the kid has forgotten about it. And if you’re still nursing it,

Reena Ninan:

Yeah, you have a let go.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

It doesn’t make it better.

Reena Ninan:

Totally. Right. Lisa, I want to pause and take a quick break on the other side of this. I want to ask you, what are things that you can do that might cause your child to be entitled? I want you to walk us through that and also the anger of sort of being in the moment. We’ll be right back. You’re listening to Ask Lisa, the Psychology of Parenting. Welcome back to Ask Lisa, the psychology of parenting. We’re talking about raising entitled kids. Is it possible to maybe get them to change? Lisa, you were before the break, telling us a little bit about what to do when your kids sort of go off the edge and how not to react and how to react when they get really upset. Is there something in general when it comes to raising kids who might come up as being really entitled? Is there something that people do or don’t do that cause your kids to have that sense of entitlement?

Dr. Lisa Damour:

I can’t say that there’s a definite across the board except for, I mean, certainly if you ask school personnel, they will tell you sometimes that kids who are rude to adults at school sometimes have parents who are rude to adults at school. So I mean that there can be that kind of modeling that gets passed down. I think that there are a few things that are kind of universal that bring about behavior like this in 13 year olds. One is teenagers can be preoccupied with their selves. I am very, very, very reluctant to ever say anything critical of teenagers, but it is true. There’s so much going on inside that they can come off as quite self-centered, seen this enough to say it’s a pattern. It doesn’t last, but it’s natural to adolescents and not often adults’, favorite part of teenagers. There’s also things like social status, materialism, being surrounded by kids with things that envy comes up big at this time of life. I’ll also say Rena, and I don’t know if you’ve had this experience as a parent, it feels like it was when my kids were a little bit younger, but there were times when there would be a show that they were watching a lot on Nickelodeon or Disney or one of those streaming services where the kids on the show were really sassy and

Dr. Lisa Damour:

Obnoxious

Dr. Lisa Damour:

And it felt like it upped that behavior. And so there are times I’m like, you’re not watching that anymore for a while. Did you ever come up against that?

Reena Ninan:

Yeah, I do. Or there are certain phrases or something they pick up and they keep using it and it’s absolutely obnoxious or disrespectful. Yeah, we’ve definitely had those moments.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

And so I think sometimes kids will see it and try it out. Totally. It

Reena Ninan:

Goes back to modeled behavior. If their friends are doing it, you see it on tv, you think that’s normal.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

And so I think wherever it comes from, and kids may be hearing other kids talk that way. I mean, do you ever remember, I remember as a kid sometimes being at a friend’s house and hearing how a friend talked to their parent and being like, whoa, totally. Oh my gosh, that would not fly in my house

Reena Ninan:

Completely.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

Where some kids might be like that. I’m going to give it a shot and see. So wherever they’re getting it, if it doesn’t fit with your values, and it’s very clear that this letter writer, they’ve got a pretty clear sense of what the parameters are. I think rather than being like, oh my gosh, my kid is broken, I think just to be like, whoa, no, we don’t talk to each other like that. Or excuse me, or what was that? I mean, I think you can push back on it pretty quick.

Reena Ninan:

So what do you do in the moment? They keep bugging you about this one thing they want over and over again. Maybe it’s excessive, maybe it’s too much money, maybe they just don’t need it, and you are tired, you are exhausted and you lose it on them. You start to get really, really angry. How do you recover? How do you get them to understand and change this entitled behavior?

Dr. Lisa Damour:

So I think if you blow your top, it’s probably best for everybody to separate for a little while. I mean, I think it’s very hard to shift gears into a constructive conversation when everything is so hot. So I think if you do, you just say, you know what? I’m going to take a minute. And you pull yourself together. I think then ideally you go back and you try to do a little modeling around emotional intelligence. And one of the ways that you see emotional intelligence described in the literature is seeing oneself from the outside and seeing others from the inside.

And you’re trying to foster emotional intelligence in your kid. And the thing about a 13-year-old, I probably say this once, every time we talk about 13 year olds, they’re still kind of concrete and they’re thinking, they don’t always see things from other perspectives, but you can help nudge that along. So I think an example of what that would look like in family life is you come back to your kid and say, look, I owe you an apology. I spoke to you in a way that I don’t like and don’t feel good about. But you know that when you are asking for a material object and not letting it go, I’m going to get angry. I really don’t like that and I’m going to get angry. So it’s helping them sort of see what’s at work. And then if you’re going to really try to bring it, you could try to see that kid from the inside and say, but I also get it that it’s very hard for you that other parents are giving this thing to your friends and we won’t do it. And I get that. That makes you upset. So I think that that’s acknowledging it, what recovery could look

Reena Ninan:

Like. Okay. So you’re saying, I guess apologizing, which I say I never thought of ever doing until I became part of this podcast, and you’ve taught me that’s an important step in parenting and then recovering by acknowledging to them, I know this is something you really, really want.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

And then get the kid a jab,

Reena Ninan:

Figure out a way they can earn it. Yeah,

Dr. Lisa Damour:

No, I think that part of how kids grow and also become less entitled is they take care of other things and other people and they have obligations and responsibilities. That doesn’t mean they’re going to like it, and it doesn’t mean that they’re going to not grumble their whole way through it. And I think it’s really hard to find jobs for 13 year olds, but I think to the degree that you can require them to be putting energy out into the world on behalf of others, even if they’re being kind of a pill through the whole thing, go ahead and do it. So maybe it’s your church does meals down at a special services place once a week, once a month. Your kid is now part of that. Or maybe it’s that they want this fanny pack and you’re like, then you need to earn the money for the fanny pack

And you need to start walking people’s dogs or babysitting. I think you cannot go wrong ever, ever, ever, ever. By requiring young people to do things where other people are counting on them. It is the path to thriving. It is one of the key paths to mental health. And for a kid who feels like the whole world owes them everything, flipping it and having it be like, no, you have responsibilities to others and we’re going to require this as something that we feel is important in our family, and you can roll your eyes through the whole thing, I think is a good place to start.

Reena Ninan:

Okay. What else do you think can be done to fix it? I know there are a lot of things that parents feel, just like I said at the top of the podcast, whether it’s messiness or eating habits or sometimes as you get further into the teenage years you feel like, well, cell phone, well, that opportunity’s gone. I just can’t turn it around. Can you explain to us how we can turn it around and what else could be done to fix this entitled kid?

Dr. Lisa Damour:

Okay. I don’t know why this is coming to mind now, but you know how we’ve talked sometimes about manifesting.

Reena Ninan:

I’m obsessed with this. I know you’re into it. I know you’re into it.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

And you know that I’m a scientist.

Reena Ninan:

Yes, I know

Dr. Lisa Damour:

This

Reena Ninan:

Is the yin and yang of this podcast,

Dr. Lisa Damour:

But Rena, this is really cool. We’ve done some research where we look at people’s perceptions of adolescence and people who believe teenagers to be problematic in any variety of ways are more likely to go on to have problematic teenagers. Isn’t that something? It’s really something. And we control for all sorts of things, like whether or not they’ve had, whether they have an older teenager who’s proved them right already. We get that out of the picture. We keep it clean. So I think there’s some manifesting at work here, and I think part of what you need to do, maybe a lot with a 13-year-old is manifest the 17-year-old You want to have in your house

And believe that kid is coming, believe that’s already in the kid you’ve got, even if they’re doing a darn good job of hiding it on a pretty regular basis. So I think what you do is you look at the kid who is so salty because you are requiring them to walk the dog and you picture instead the 17-year-old version who is and 17 year olds, I mean, they are the coolest, right? Who is broad-minded and philosophical and generous and thoughtful and fascinating and glad to help. And you talk to that 13-year-old as though they are soon to become the person they are. And so I think you just, whatever it is they’re doing, whatever it is they’re doing, I believe this talk to them, the thing they’re doing is kind of weird and weird to them too. But you want to have a conversation with the awesome kid who’s also there and be like, you know what? This isn’t how we talk. You know that, right? You love that dog. Take the dog. I mean, just see if you can just push the snark aside and speak to the kid who you are wanting to believe into existence.

Reena Ninan:

I remember you saying several seasons ago that you talk to the side of the kid that you want to show up, that that’s a kid that shows up. And I think so often we are overwhelmed by our fears as parents of I’ve got to control their food. I’ve got to do this. I can’t do because they can’t do it. We just assume they can’t without in our minds believing actually they are capable. They can do this, they can achieve this.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

They can totally do it. But what you say about fear, fear as parents, it is really scary right now to be parenting teenagers. The headlines are

Reena Ninan:

Terrifying.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

And I think because the moment is so consuming for the teen, the teen is having this, if I don’t have this fanny pack, I might as well just why even go to school? I mean, that’s what it feels like. I think there can be almost a atory quality for the parent of it becomes consuming. It feels as forever to the parent as it does to the kid. And so then you’re like, holy moly, I have this totally unpleasant human on my hands. And I think the job of the parent is to be like, this is a growing and changing person who will never grow and change as fast as they are right this minute. And they’re being kind of obnoxious this minute. That doesn’t mean they’re an obnoxious person or that they won’t turn into the person being described to me at Heins who is the greatest young adult ever. They do become

Reena Ninan:

That. That’s great because it sure doesn’t feel that way sometimes. No, it does not. You don’t think you’re ever going to get on the other side. Well, that’s wonderful. He said, what do you have for us for parenting to go,

Dr. Lisa Damour:

Oh man, maintaining perspective, which is what raising teenagers requires constantly requires energy. Rina,

Reena Ninan:

Tell me about it. Some days you just don’t even have it for the entire week.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

So I mean, really the takeaway here is you, we all need to take very good care of ourselves. We need to protect sleep. We need to eat wonderful foods. We need to have our friends. Because when you’re a 13-year-old, or 14 or 15 or 16 or 17-year-old is really, really, really wound up. It takes some real resolve to not go to a place you don’t want to be. And you only can have that resolve if you are rested. So honestly, sleep, I will always find a way to bring it back to sleep.

Reena Ninan:

And you know what? And I’m grateful you do because I think it’s something parents need to hear over and over again that you shouldn’t feel guilty for going to bed early or for sleeping in and not running or walking the dog. It builds up. So I think it’s so important to hear that message. I want to thank you, Lisa, and I’m excited. Next week we’re going to have a special guest, Rick Clark, who’s going to talk to us about college. Everything you’ve wanted to know about this moment in the college process, which I feel Lisa has changed every year that we have done this podcast.

Dr. Lisa Damour:

Well, it has. I mean, it really has. I mean, the pandemic set off a cascading set of events that are still cascading unbelievable. But I’ll see you next week. See you next week.