How do you get your kids to like each other… or at least stop fighting all the time? If you’re parenting tweens and teens, sibling conflict can feel endless. One moment they’re laughing together, the next they’re at each other’s throats. You want them to grow up valuing each other, but the daily bickering (and your role in it) can leave you wondering: Am I making things WORSE?
October 21, 2025 | 24 min
Transcript | How Do I Get My Kids to Like Each Other?
The Ask Lisa Podcast does not constitute medical advice and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you have concerns about your child’s well-being, consult a physician or mental health professional.
The following transcript has been automatically generated by an AI system and should be used for informational purposes only. We cannot guarantee the accuracy, completeness, or timeliness of the information provided.
Reena Ninan:
When they were younger, they had a very close relationship, but now they are as distant as possible. Kids push themselves away from each other. Why do they do it?
Dr. Lisa Damour:
Feeling compared, feeling like it’s not fair. How do you respond to this as a parent in a way that doesn’t actually make the relationship worse?
Reena Ninan:
Was there something I did that drove a wedge between my kids?
Dr. Lisa Damour:
There’s a couple of things I’ve heard from kids that make it hard. So one I’ll tell you is.
Reena Ninan:
So today we’re talking sibling rivalry. I mean it never ends when you look at adult relationships and siblings. I think the big question parents have often is, how do I make them be close and want to hang out with each other? What do you need to do in those early years?
Dr. Lisa Damour:
I know, it’s not always easy and you have two kids and I have two kids, so we sort of watch this sibling thing unfold and, you know we get a lot of letters about it and it’s such an important topic because you want your kids to be friends and sometimes they’re worst enemies.
Reena Ninan:
Yes. Yeah.
So I want to read you this letter and we’ll kick it off what this parent is asking.
Dear Dr. Lisa and Reena, I have one teen son and a tween very soon to be teen daughter. When they were younger they had a very close relationship, but now it seems they are as distant as possible and want nothing to do with one another on the best days. How can I help support them to begin to value their relationship and try to build it to at least some degree? Thank you.
I think this is such a common letter, a basic theme that so many families struggle with. How do you think kids push themselves away from each other? Why do they do it?
Dr. Lisa Damour:
Why do they do it?
There’s a lot of different reasons why this could be happening. One is that kids want to differentiate and we see some research on this that if one kid’s good at something, another kid wants to be good at something else so that they’re not in direct competition with each other. So that can actually in some ways ease the tension between kids because they’re not actually competing on the same playing field, so to speak. So they push away in that way. So if one kid’s really into soccer, another kid may be like, “I’m definitely not playing soccer, and it can be neutral or hostile their decision not to do it. But another reason, and Reena, I’m wondering if you’re starting to see this with your age gap in your kids. Sometimes when the older kid gets into adolescence or high school, their younger sibling who they used to enjoy, you know teenagers can become allergic to anything that feels like what they would say is baby-ish.
Reena Ninan:
True.
Dr. Lisa Damour:
So sometimes if the younger sibling is still into stuff or it even reminds them of being younger, I think teenagers can suddenly be very, very brusk with sibs who are a little younger, cause just like teenagers are working hard to be cool sometimes. Have you seen this at home or in other peer relationships?
Reena Ninan:
Yeah, and in some families I feel like it doesn’t happen just in the teenage years. It happens very early on, why are you taking my truck? I don’t want you to take the truck. And then I feel as a parent, was there something I did in those early formative years that drove a wedge between my kids? Are there things that parents should think about in those? And then not even in those early years, even in the teenage years, if you have one child that has more needs than the other and you’re attentive, whatever that issue might be, does that then form that the other kid? I just feel like there’s so many outcomes for them to be driven away from each other more than to each other.
Dr. Lisa Damour:
Yeah, no, I think there’s a couple things I’ve heard from kids that make it hard at home. So one I will tell you is comparison. That when parents are comparing kids to one another, it is really hard on kids. And Reena, the way I’ve come to know this is that sometimes when I’m speaking at a school and I’m working with kids, I will ask them to get a piece of paper and share with me something they want their folks to know. Because often I’ll meet with the kids during the day and then the parents in the evening. And so it’s an anonymous way for kids to be like, please tell them this. And I have heard on more occasions than I expected kids saying, please tell them to stop comparing me to my older brother or older sister.
Reena Ninan:
Really?
Dr. Lisa Damour:
So I think in terms of the things that we do that may have some influence here, I think comparison avoid it at all costs.
There can also be ways where we can have unrealistic expectations. I think the nature of having a sibling, you grew up with siblings, I actually grew up as an only child. So this area for me is always sort of interesting. I don’t have any personal experience to draw on, but I think the nature of having a sibling is best friend, worst friend. They’re great to have from what I understand in terms of watching kids and watching my own kids and then also the most annoying person in the world and they still live with you, even when you don’t want them to be living with you.
What’s your take on all this?
Reena Ninan:
No, I am thinking actually from back to school I was getting very teary-eyed and emotional and they both looked at each other and gave each other this like, “oh god, here she goes again.” And I love that moment that they’ve got this silent language and kind of connection, but I know that they drive each other nuts. And even when I’m not trying to compare, I’m just giving someone praise for doing something really good, the other one will pipe up and be like, “well what about me? Didn’t I do that too?”
Dr. Lisa Damour:
It’s true. And I think even if you’re not doing it, they feel it. I think the other big thing that comes up as far as the parent’s involvement is concerned is kids’ ideas of fairness. Who’s getting what and is everything fair? And of course in a lot of families, fair doesn’t mean equal, right? Different kids need different things at other times, different times. And you also mentioned sometimes a kid needs something a lot, and this is something that’s come up in the work I’ve done where there may be a family where a kid has a lot of needs that there’s something going on or they’re really struggling or maybe they have a health concern. And so of course in the natural sort of system of events, the family focuses on that kid and that can leave the other kid feeling crummy and lousy and kind of crummy and lousy in a couple ways.
One feeling neglected, but also the other feeling like, “I feel bad for being grumpy about the fact that my sibling is getting care when my kid is suffering when they’re suffering.” So it’s such an interesting question, Reena, because as we start to tease it apart, it just gets to all of these core elements in family life feeling compared feeling like it’s not fair, feeling like somebody’s in your space when you don’t want them in your space feeling like you want them, but only in certain ways. I mean it’s such an interesting right to the heart of the strange dynamics of living with people. I think that that’s of the heading, right.
Reena Ninan:
Living with people very closely. Yes, absolutely.
But I look back and I just wonder, there are just in family life moments where I wonder, okay, am I driving a wedge between them? And one of those moments is when one picks on the other, is there a better way to deal with that? How do I deal with some of these daily situations where I’m not ruining their long-term relationship without realizing it?
Dr. Lisa Damour:
Right. Okay, so this is one thing we know that siblings get at each other constantly, and there’s even been research studies showing that it’s like 60 times an hour or 48 times an hour. I mean if they actually track siblings bugging each other or picking on each other if they’re in the same space, it’s almost a near constant and it is often intermixed with enjoying each other or as I would say to my daughters, “you guys are fun fighting.” I would actually watch them sometimes fight to entertain themselves. And so it’s sort of a constant in parenting. So the question is how do you respond to this as a parent in a way that doesn’t actually make the relationship worse? That’s what you’re asking. So I think sometimes the best thing is to be like, “you all need to work that out,” and actually make it their job to go deal with the solution to the problem if it even needs a solution.
But you can say, “You guys knock it off. You’re not being nice to each other. Knock it off, you’re not being nice to your brother. Go work it out.” And there’s value, we know, in asking kids to sort this out and not having the adult intervene all the time because if the adult intervenes all the time, then there’s no way you’re going to win and you’re just going to bother everybody. I think there are times though, and we can easily picture this, where one kid is way too mean to the other or the power dynamic is way out of balance. A very common thing I hear all the time is the teenager was at school all day. They walk in the house, the younger sibling does something either totally fine or not that bad and the teenager just lays into them, just gives it to them in a really harsh way and then the younger kid is often kind of gobsmacked and upset. I think those are times in parenting where you do actually need to say, “Hey, hey, that was not fair” or “that’s not like you” or “Hey, why don’t you take a break,” where you actually intervene a little more aggressively. But there’s no magic. When is the line of saying, “Hey, you guys go work this out,” versus I’m going to step in on one kid’s behalf. But I think a lot of parents probably can intuit it, but I would say I don’t think you should assume it is always your job to step in or never your job to step in.
Reena Ninan:
And it sounds like you’re saying step in when it gets really ugly and then it’s like you don’t worry about their long-term relationship at that point. You’ve got to correct the behavior.
Dr. Lisa Damour:
I think that’s exactly it. I think that’s exactly it, right? You can’t let completely over the line behavior stand and I think there has to be some attempt at repair. I don’t think there’s real value in forcing a kid to apologize to another kid. I think.
Reena Ninan:
Why? Because I always make them apologize.
Dr. Lisa Damour:
So how do you do it? How do you do it?
Reena Ninan:
I just say, “Please apologize. That’s not acceptable. You need to say sorry.” And then it’s never ever a sincere, sorry.
Dr. Lisa Damour:
Well, that’s my thought, right? That if it’s extracted, it’s not real, but I trust your parenting gut, so talk me through why you do it anyway. Why you make ’em say it anyway, even if you know it doesn’t feel all that sincere.
Reena Ninan:
Well, because it stops the conversation and it forces them to be like, this is not acceptable and this is my way of telling you and flagging to you, if I was a dog, I would literally have grabbed you by the rough of your neck. That is my equivalent of forcing them to apologize is grabbing them by the rough of their neck if we were dogs. And so, so I have them apologize to each other, but does it get in? I feel like it creates more animosity mom siding with her or him.
Dr. Lisa Damour:
Okay, but I love hearing you play that out. It’s a good stopper if you’re like, “Hey, knock it off, apologize to him or knock it off, apologize to her.” What you’re doing, and this makes a ton of sense to me, is you’re actually creating a like, okay, you’ve crossed a line. It was snickering, it was silly. Okay, now you’re at the point where you actually owe an apology. What you’re noting, and I think this is really important, is it effectively stops things, but it actually opens up a new gate of trouble of now you’re on her team. Now you’re on his team. Okay, so how do we solve this, Reena? How do we solve this? Thinking it through what else might work? What ideas do you have in it? Well, you think, I’m going to think.
Reena Ninan:
I’m just at a loss. I don’t think I do this very well in parenting. I just think, and let’s add to this the real honesty, which is like I’m juggling a thousand things in the house as this is going over. I have no patience at this point, but I want to send the signal and this is the signal, this is the grab by the rough of their neck and show that this is not appropriate behavior, but I don’t have that dog language in real life to be able to convey that. I don’t know what that is.
Dr. Lisa Damour:
You can’t grab ’em by the rough of their neck.
Reena Ninan:
To me it’s always been like an apology.
Dr. Lisa Damour:
So what if instead of an extracted apology, cause like it serves the purpose of stopping things, but it doesn’t actually feel like a real apology and it actually opens up this team question, what if instead you were like, “You know what? I’m going to make you stop. You need to stop talking to each other this way, or it’s time for you to stop.” And so there’s not a forced apology, but you are saying to the kid who’s over the line, you need to knock it off. Stop right there. Do you think that they would stop if you said that?
Reena Ninan:
Yes. But just telling them to knock it off?
Dr. Lisa Damour:
Yeah, just knock it off. But then I wonder, and as if we have all the time in the world, I wonder if you go back to the kid who you had to say that to and say, “do you know why I asked you to knock it off? Or do you understand why?”
Reena Ninan:
Later?
Dr. Lisa Damour:
Yeah, later. “Do you understand why? Do you understand what the issue was?”
Reena Ninan:
So smart.
Dr. Lisa Damour:
And see if when they’re not in the moment of having whatever irritation they have with a sibling, see if they can actually say, “Yeah, no, I X, Y, Z.” Because I think a lot of kids can do that if you get them out of the moment. And then I think, and this is my fantasy version, right? This is my imagining best possible scenario version. Then I wonder if you say to your kid, “What are you going to do to fix it? Or how are you going to fix it?” They may say, “I’m not going to do it again.” I would probably accept that. They may say, “I’ll go tell her. I’m sorry,” I wouldn’t hold your breath for that. But I think as we talk it through, what I am really liking is uncoupling interfering in a way that makes it stop and keeps it from escalating, from repair questions.
Reena Ninan:
Got it.
Dr. Lisa Damour:
And maybe that’s the principle we’re getting at is that when kids are being icky with each other, there’s two jobs. One not just letting it spin on and on and on and escalate as it sometimes will. And the other is if repair is necessary, asking them to figure out what’s involved in all that. And maybe it could even turn out to be something genuine.
Okay, what do you think of this view of this?
Reena Ninan:
I love this. You know why? Because you’ve taught me two things here, which is like a simple knock it off is enough instead of just forcing ’em to apologize. But then when you are not as stressed, taking it up again with them separately and having them figure out what the punishment is instead of you being forced to come up with it and then them thinking it’s totally an unjust punishment and maybe that processes and hits differently.
Dr. Lisa Damour:
It might. And I think the only tweak I would make is I would say repair, right? What’s the repair? And we’ve talked about this in other episodes and I love it. Do
Reena Ninan:
Instead of punishment.
Dr. Lisa Damour:
I think we could call it punishment, but I think anytime we’re punishing a kid, what we’re really hoping is that the punishment, if we’re going to call it that, is how are you going to fix this? What are you going to do to make this right? That that’s really the essential issue.
There’s something else, Reena, as we’re talking it through. There’s a value, such a value I think in trying to take the long view of kids’ development and kids’ relationships. But often right at the moment when your kids are having a harder time with each other, especially as they’re maybe moving into early adolescence, they’re also having a harder time with us usually. They are more resistant to us. They are wanting to distance themselves from us. And I think there are plenty of adults who can say, oh my gosh, when I was a teenager, my sibling drove me crazy. Or we were at each other’s throats all the time, but now we’re really close. Is it helpful if the parent who’s watching this all can sort of step back and think, all right, are they in a phase, each of them? Is this happening because one kid’s trying to articulate their autonomy or one kid doesn’t want to do anything babyish? Is there a way that I can kind of keep it gentle enough so that they don’t really harm each other emotionally or otherwise? But can I let time do its work?
Reena Ninan:
Is there a way that you can make your kids be friends or at least lay the groundwork for that?
Dr. Lisa Damour:
I think you can’t make kids do anything to be honest. And you sure as heck can’t make teenagers do anything, but lay the groundwork. I think there’s a couple things that make a big difference. One is one-on-one time. Giving kids each actually their own time I think is really important. I think if they always feel like they’re having to compete with one another for your focus, I think that that sets up a bad dynamic or I think it just doesn’t point things in the right direction. So one thing I think adults can do is definitely be like, I have time with you. I have time with you. You guys don’t have to be head to head. I think that’s important. There is value in having things that your whole family enjoys. Setting aside time to do things that everybody is into or people take turns leading. I think also about people being really creative and finding ways to say, “Today we’re going to go with your brother’s plan. Tomorrow we’ll go with your sister’s plan.” Finding ways to actually have kids feel like they’re equals in the house. What am I missing? You grew up with siblings, you got two kids, what do you think?
Reena Ninan:
No, I think you’re spot on in your suggestions about all this, but I think we all as parents hope that we can somehow engineer or do two or three different things in the relationship that will then make them lifelong bosom buddies. There are so many other dynamics at play, I think whether you have two of the same gender, one of each four of each that I think we as parents want to figure out what’s that magic thing that could make a difference? And I guess there isn’t one magic thing.
Dr. Lisa Damour:
I don’t think there is a magic thing. And I think especially like you said it with the dynamics, my daughters are seven years apart. That’s a very particular dynamic. They were never head to head for anything because their needs were so different. And so frankly, I think in many ways I’ve enjoyed relatively low conflict because they just are so far apart. Whereas I know in families with kids like yours, two years apart, three years apart, there’s a lot more heat.
Reena Ninan:
Heat, they eat each other alive. But I also feel like when you’ve got boys, boy energy is very different from girl energy. It just really is. But what’s your advice, Lisa, as we go, for parents who really want to get it right with their kids and sibling relationships?
Dr. Lisa Damour:
I think my biggest advice is to always appeal to the better part of a kid. I say this, I’m going to say it again. It is such a valuable way to think about kids and especially adolescents when they can be pretty spicy.
All kids have two sides. They have their short tempered, icky, provocative, annoying, self-centered side. I’ll just say it. And then they have their broad-minded, thoughtful, empathic, caring, really wonderful side. I think that especially in the heat of a moment when kids are showing us their worst side, when kids are going at each other, they’re showing us their worst side, I think to say, you both are so much better than this. Go pull yourselves together and appealing or like, “You just talk to your brother in a way that you know is not okay, right? I’m going to stop you right there and you’re going to figure out how to fix this,” right?
Always appealing to that better side, but steering clear of, and our conversation helps me get clarity on this steering clear of, “Because I want you to be friends and you two have to be friends or you three have to be friends.” As soon as an adult lays it down as an expectation, forget it. Just take the broad view. These are people who will be in each other’s lives for a long time. The more you are appealing to the better side of themselves and how they treat each other or treat one another. I think that that sort of holds a high expectation for behavior and kids tend to rise to high expectations.
Reena Ninan:
A lot to think about here, Lisa. So what do you have for us for Parenting to Go?
Dr. Lisa Damour:
So Reena, sometimes I have noticed, and I wonder if you’ve noticed that a change of setting can make a huge difference. Have you ever noticed that everybody acts differently when you’re on vacation as a family when you’re not at home in the same patterns and routines?
Reena Ninan:
Absolutely.
Dr. Lisa Damour:
So I do wonder, as I talk about having times when we do things as a family, I do wonder for Parenting to Go if that do stuff as a family is like, let’s all go for a hike or let’s all go to the movies or let’s all take turns picking a restaurant and somebody gets to pick. I think sometimes we’re able to reboot and reframe and find a different part of ourselves when you literally put yourself in a different place. And so I would say maybe especially if siblings are having a hard time with each other or with one another, I would say like, Hey, let’s all go down to the lake and let’s just spend an afternoon at the lake. Or let’s all go to this game and just spend an afternoon at the game and just try to create a new pattern, a new setting, and see if that doesn’t bring out more of the behavior you’re hoping for.
Reena Ninan:
Never thought about it, but you’re so right. The summers sometimes take the pressure off. In a way it’s harder with day-to-day life. So that’s a great little example of how it can make a difference. Well, thank you so much, Lisa. I’ll see you next week.
Dr. Lisa Damour:
I’ll see you next week.
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