November 17, 2024

What Teens Wish Adults Understood

Family Relationships

This year, I had the honor of collaborating with the Walton Family Foundation and Gallup to survey 10- to 18-year-olds on how they are feeling and what they want from the adults in their lives. Summaries of the poll’s quantitative results can be found in this report about how tweens and teens hope adults will respond when they are upset, and this report on the key conversations they want to have with their parents and caregivers.

I’m excited to share that our poll also had a few open-ended questions, including my very favorite one to ask tweens and teens: “What is the most important thing you wish your parents understood about you?” We organized responses from the 1,675 teens into categories representing key themes. Below, you will find the most prominent themes along with specific examples of what the young people we surveyed had to say.

In response to the question “What is the most important thing you wish your parents understood about you?” teens wanted adults to know…

…what they are thinking and feeling:

That my feelings may not be logical, but they’re still real and important.
Missing my dad while he’s in jail
That when I disobey them it doesn’t mean I don’t love them
That being trans isn’t an option and i want them to respect my feelings like i’m a real person.

…that they feel loved and understood by their parents:

we understand each other well
I am happy being myself, and happy for the love you have for me.
My mom understands me all the time. She’s the best.
I feel that they understand me very well, if there was anything else I’d want them to understand more about me is that I love them, which I think they already do.
They already do a great job understanding me.

…that there are things they wish their parents did differently:

when I’m venting I just want to vent I don’t need someone to fix it. I just want someone to hear.
I am fine with just being listened to rather than getting advice/lectured
I don’t want to be in the middle of my parents differences
I wish that my dad understood and felt a need to talk about feelings even if it’s not everyday or all the time and said how much he appreciates or loves me
If you talk normally than i will respect you more. I don’t respect you when you are loud.

...that they long for independence and trust:

that I know more then they think i do
Wish they could trust me more
I’m not a little kid anymore
I’m a good kid. I know what not to do. Stop reminding me.
sometimes i need to figure it out on my own
I do listen

…that sometimes, they just need some space:

Sometimes I just want to be left alone
i will let them know if i need anything. they don’t always have to ask if everything is ok
to back off when i need them to
Need for space from siblings
I sometimes just need to cool off with a book
That it is okay to let me be sad and chill when i need to
I don’t always want to talk about my problems.
Give me more space to process emotions

…their likes and dislikes:

How much books comfort me.
I am not a morning person.
i like to play
How passionate I am about theater!
I like making things in my bathroom sink because I find it very interesting and peaceful
Taylor Swift is better than their music
I’m okay with a messy room!

…how they feel about school:

I hate school
That i am more than just a grade
That they don’t need to ride me so much, I’m fine and taking care of stuff at school
How important my grades are to me.
its hard to be in middle school
school is harder then it was when they were in school. they think its easy for me but its not.

…that they are different from their parents and siblings

I’m not them
That they are too old to understand what it is like to be 14
How hard it is to be a teenager in today’s world compared to when they were a teenager.
That I hate to be compared to others. My friends or my sister

…what they want to do with their time:

I need more sleep
I have a lower social battery after school
not all social media time is waste
I just need screen time to relax
I just want to spend time together
My phone isn’t always the problem
I really want to build my own plane

…that they are having a hard time:

How hard it is to be a teenager in today’s world compared to when they were a teenager.
idk maybe that being a kid is hard sometimes like an adult is sometimes
Middle school is hard and making friends is harder.

…what they know about their own personalities:

That I am really funny
I like to take my time.
That I am amazing
That I like to be goofy and silly
I like to be different.
Quiet doesn’t mean upset
That I love art and I like to be creative.

…how they feel about video games:

My video games are important to me
I can play video games and it doesn’t effect me. My grades are good and if I make a mistake and my grades slip, I can turn it around without constantly being asked about it
That online games can’t be paused
I like video games because they are calming even when I get angry

…that they are trying their best:

That I will always try to do the right thing.
That i’m doing the best i can
that i am not perfect and i am trying my best
That I’m always trying my best and sometimes they expect too much from me
That I can focus I just have a lot of energy too
That I’m not a bad kid I just do bad things some times
That I’m trying hard to be a good person

…and also this:

I can’t just go and find a girl friend. not a good one

I am grateful to Gallup and the Walton Family Foundation for the opportunity to hear directly from young people about their inner lives, their struggles, and their hopes for connection with adults. These insights offer us a unique window into how we, as the adults who love and care for them, can be more understanding, supportive, and responsive to their needs.