Why Is My Kid Hooked on Luxury Skincare?

The Ask Lisa Podcast does not constitute medical advice and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you have concerns about your child’s well-being, consult a physician or mental health professional.

The following transcript has been automatically generated by an AI system and should be used for informational purposes only. We cannot guarantee the accuracy, completeness, or timeliness of the information provided.

Reena Ninan:
Episode 164, why is my kid hooked on luxury skincare? Well, we’ve wanted to do this episode for a while. Cause we have heard from so many of our listeners that their daughters, their tweens and teens are really into skincare and some parents are wondering, is there a point when it’s a little too much?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
No, this is hot and interesting, I think. Complicated.

Reena Ninan:
Complicated. I want to get into the complicated, lemme read you this letter.
It says, Dear Dr. Lisa, I’m listening to your podcast all the way from Romania. Yes, way across the pond. Well, at the outskirts of Europe I could say, I can’t even remember how I came across your podcast, but I’m thrilled I did. It helps tremendously with raising an opinionated, strong-minded, yet anxious daughter. So I cannot thank you enough for this. Moving on to my actual question, my 10-year-old daughter seems to have made a fixation on skincare products and related videos on YouTube. All her friends buy and use a lot of stuff, some of them totally inappropriate for their age, like serums, for instance. I try to fight it, but it’s become increasingly difficult. So I started doing the appropriate research and I gave in to what was generally considered non-harmful, a face cleanser, a hydrating cream, a face eye mask now and then. And needless to say, she constantly wants more and newer stuff. Most of her friends buy whatever they want with almost no restrictions, and that makes me the villain and harms my relationship with my daughter, which I hate more than anything. So Dear Dr. Lisa, my question to you is multifold, what’s an appropriate age for kids to start using fancy skincare products? How can we find products that are age appropriate and how can I possibly choose between my daughter’s skin health, long-term, and our relationship? Thank you so much for all that you are doing.
Oh my gosh, this says it all in everything as a parent, I feel like I’m dealing with right now as well.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Is that right? Are you finding this at home too? Is this coming up in your world?

Reena Ninan:
I mean, I think the dilemma for me is explaining to my daughter that while she’s being marketed these products, many of them are for aging or mature skin and she doesn’t need the 800 peptides in her skincare routine. What’s your take when you hear this, Lisa?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Okay, so I have sort of two reactions to this and the first I think I very much share with the letter writer, which is this like, oh my lord, this feels, and it’s what you’re describing. This is so commercial and this is so capitalistic marketing to kids and expensive. A lot of what they’re into is expensive and unnecessary and it feels vain and it feels self preoccupied. I mean, it’s got all of this kind of very unattractive content hovering around it that’s very off-putting, I find. So that’s one side of me. The other side of me is anthropologically fascinated-

Reena Ninan:
By tween skincare. Tell me more.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Yeah, that this is just blown up as this thing, and this is what I love about being a psychologist, is that we’re actually way less judgmental than people think we are. We’re like, “This is interesting. What’s at play? What’s going on here?”

Reena Ninan:
Why is this a thing, Lisa? Why are tween and teen girls so into their skincare routine?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
So taking the anthropological approach to this, what I think is happening is the convergence of a variety of forces that are important. So the first one, because this kid’s like 10 in this letter. I mean, she’s young and that’s what we’re hearing, that we’re hearing. And I think that’s especially where it’s most off-putting, it’s like these young girls really into Sephora, not the drugstore. I mean it’s like that’s where we’re hearing it.
Okay, so first thing, Reena, 10 year olds have always been collectors. 10 year olds love to collect things and 10-year-old girls in particular and see if you can rummage around and in your own memory of what you were collecting. But I was thinking about this. Okay, the collecting trends I have seen, because I think a lot of times kids are collecting these little skincare items, right?

Reena Ninan:
Totally.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
It feels like part of a collection. Okay. Trends I have seen when I was a 10-year-old lip smacker.

Reena Ninan:
Totally.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Did you have those with the flavors and the smells?

Reena Ninan:
Yeah, of course.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Okay. Then other trends. Beanie babies.

Reena Ninan:
Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Collecting Beanie Babies. Then short-lived phases, silly bands and jelly bracelets.

Reena Ninan:
Oh, totally,

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Right?

Reena Ninan:
Totally.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
And then duct tape, remember? My older daughter-

Reena Ninan:
Different colored duct tape?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Yeah, totally into duct tape and went through this phase of wanting all sorts of duct tape, like tons and tons of duct tape, like this huge collection. And so part of what’s at work here is 10-year-old girls have always been and 10-year-old boys have similar, they have their own interests, but this is very, for now very girl focused topic of wanting a whole bunch of a collection that their friends also have. What are the other things you can think of? Do you remember?

Reena Ninan:
Charm bracelets. Do you remember charm bracelets of the eighties? Still thinking about it gives me warm fuzzies of all the little charms that you would collect for the necklace or your bracelet.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Exactly.

Reena Ninan:
It makes sense. Erasers

Dr. Lisa Damour:
That’s in here in erasers-

Reena Ninan:
Scratch and sniff stickers. I mean I could go on and on, but none of these have chemicals that can damage your skin.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Right, I mean that’s where it takes the yucky turn, but part of what’s driving this and the other thing, it’s really fun if we think about it, Reena, a lot of what you’re describing, what I’m describing, and these face care products, they’re pastel and they’re fruity.

Reena Ninan:
True, true.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
The charm bracelets often had a smell attached to them or they were pastels. It’s sort of in the neighborhood of the kind of stuff that 10-year-old girls have always collected. Like the beanie babies, they’re pastel, they’re cute. I mean the branding and marketing, these are not things sold that are with a lot of black on them. I mean it’s very, very sort of cute kid stuff. So there’s that.
I think there’s another thing in that little girls 10, 11 have always wanted to play at being older. That’s not new. That’s not new. And I have forever in my practice cared for families where they’re like, “It’s so weird. We saw her in her bedroom singing along to a song and doing these sexy moves and she’s just 10. And what is this about?” And what it’s about is younger kids are fascinated with older kids. They sometimes aspire to be involved with older things. And Reena, I was thinking about, okay, this is where you and I can sometimes fall into this fabulous tiny generational gap. I was 10 when the Gogos put out “Beauty and the Beat” in 1981. Where were you?

Reena Ninan:
In 1981? I was two and have no recollection of life.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Okay. Exactly. It’s so funny. Okay, so the Gogos put out “Beauty and the Beat” when I am in, I was in the sixth grade 10 turning 11. The cover of “Beauty and the Beat” is, and this is interesting skincare related. Is the Gogos. They have noxzema on their faces. Do you remember this cover?

Reena Ninan:
I remember the noxzema commercials, of course.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Well there’s the, okay, so the cover is the white noxzema on their faces and then they’ve got white towels on their hair and white towels that they’re wearing. My sixth grade girlfriends and I not very inventively declared ourselves the Stop Stops and we put on that whole outfit.

Reena Ninan:
Is there photographic proof of this? Polaroid? Anything?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
No, thank goodness. This is the beautiful thing. This is a beautiful thing. My undocumented child and adolescence, thank God.
But so we were like, oh my God, they’re so cool. And there was skincare involved and we want to be older and we’re pretending to be the Go-Go’s. We were dead center on the age that this kid is and that these kids are. So I think you’re getting the convergence of loving to collect things, wanting to be older, stuff that smells good, stuff that’s fruity, stuff that’s pastel covered, colored, that’s all coming together around this.

Reena Ninan:
But what is it, Lisa, about that age? It feels like this all emerged right as we’re exiting elementary school and headed it right for middle school. What is going on?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
I mean it’s interesting, right? Because we’re seeing two things. We’re seeing younger kids involved in this and we’re seeing older girls involved in this. The older girls. In some ways it’s a different phenomenon. We should talk about it. It’s easier for us to somehow take in stride though it has become very complex, the skincare of older girls. For younger girls, I think it’s like there’s a beginning of a self-consciousness, right? A beginning of wanting to be mindful of how one looks, a beginning of wanting to be cooler older and associating with products and things and items and collections. This is just hitting that. For older girls, I think the phenomenon’s a little different and I think it’s much more social media driven. One of the things that is very, very true for high school girls and late middle is, and this letter mentions YouTube, but a lot of influencers doing a lot of posting about their whole day and their elaborate skincare routine is part of it. So I’m hearing from parents of teenage girls like high school girls, like the 10 step skincare routine that feels over the top. And obviously these are related, but they feel sort of different in terms of what’s driving them.

Reena Ninan:
Lisa, I want to ask you, I want to back up for a second and talk to you about high schoolers. We were talking a little bit about that moment, elementary into middle school, but should you look at this sort of love affair with skincare and high school girls differently?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
I think you can. I mean obviously there’s a lot of overlap, but I think you can, I mean one is for late, middle and high school skincare does make more sense to be a little focused on because often kids are getting acne.
I think that part of what feels so strange about the 9, 10, 11s is their skin’s perfect. It’s gorgeous. They don’t need all this. As kids get older, you remember this, I remember this, having a skincare routine that takes good care of you actually does become a thing in its own right. That doesn’t mean it’s got to be a luxury product, 17 step thing, but there’s a basis for this that makes more sense as kids get older. And so we do often need to be having conversations with our teenagers about what are you doing for skincare and how can you make sure that you’re taking good care of your skin? Now this gets concerning when kids feel like they need to spend a lot of money or they’re using a lot of products that a dermatologist would say not necessary or actually may worsen the situation you think you’re trying to address.
I mean that can be concerning, but the other place I have some room for this, Reena with high schoolers is that I think a lot of times teenage girls are turning to skincare as a form of coping or comforting themselves.

Reena Ninan:
Wait a minute, how so? What do you mean?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Yeah, when I talk with them about they’ve had a bad day and it’s been a long day and what do they do to help themselves feel better? They will often say like, oh, I do a facial or I do a mask or something. And part of me is it’s a little self-focused, it’s a little vain and part of me is like, or they could smoke tons of weed. There’s lots of ways for kids to take the edge off. And so putting a big asterisk around the cost and the elaboration of it and all of that as far as helping themselves feel better after a bad day or comforting themselves or taking good care of themselves. Oh my gosh, Reena, I have seen teenagers do so much more destructive things than spend a little on a face mask.

Reena Ninan:
Yeah, I mean when I got the $40 bill from Sephora, I was like, what are you? You mean there was no change back from what I gave you? But I get what you’re saying that they could be engaged in other behavior and this is an outlet for them.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Comparatively benign. But let’s talk about the cost issue, right?
I think that’s what this parent brings up, which is like this is a lot of money and I’m up against peers of hers whose parents are spending very, very freely. Okay, so how have you navigated this? Because interestingly, my kid’s not into this, so not all kids are into it. She’s a seventh grader, but it sounds like your kid is, so how are you guys figuring out the cost issue?

Reena Ninan:
Well, I explained to her what other things cost $40 that we do and just groceries. I don’t mind and it was a sort of once off she was with her friends and I get it, but I also want her to understand that this is not normal and this should not be a weekly or a regular occurrence. And then she felt very bad and very ashamed. And then I realized I had to have a conversation that it is okay to spend a little bit of money, but $40 is a lot and I don’t want you to have to return. I was very angry about it. In fact, I said, “You have to return everything. This is crazy.” But then I realized how important it was to her. And you’re right over the big scheme of it just really is not a big deal in the sense of her doing something that’s harming somebody else. But we needed to have that conversation.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Well, and then actually, I mean as you play it out, I’m like, okay, this is a really important conversation we all need to have with our kids at some point about what things are worth, what we spend money on. Nice things are nice. I also believe that we shouldn’t ruin nice things for kids, but I think as you go forward, could you see yourself getting into a conversation? If she came back and said, “Now I want this,” could you see yourself getting into a conversation of like, “I will give you, this is how much I would’ve spent at the drugstore for you on lotion. I will front you that much. The rest is up to you or you have to use your allowance.” How would you, if she wanted more, what do you see happening?

Reena Ninan:
I think she appreciated what she had, but if she wanted more, it’s like I give her 10 bucks that doesn’t go very far in so many places.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Okay, so you can say I give you 10 bucks and then you’ve got to figure out the rest. And I think what’s hard is sometimes younger kids don’t have a great way to make money, but this gets into if they’ve got an allowance that they are saving up. I think you can say to kids, it doesn’t fit with our values to spend this kind of money on lotion. And I think a lot of parents are saying, “I don’t spend this kind of money on my lotion.”

Reena Ninan:
Totally. So you know what she ended up doing is-

Dr. Lisa Damour:
What’d she do?

Reena Ninan:
Every time we go to Nordstrom, she asks for all the free samples. So I have to hide. I’m so embarrassed.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
I think that’s a great solution.

Reena Ninan:
You do? I’m so embarrassed. She’s like spraying perfumes into tester bottles at Nordstrom finally the lady had to shutter down.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Very enterprising. I’m impressed. See, they’re very resourceful.

Reena Ninan:
They are.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
These kids.

Reena Ninan:
I want to go back though to this letter, Lisa, because this mom, you can see that she’s really worried about how it’s damaging her relationship. Cause it sounds like the daughter feels like the mom doesn’t understand that she needs this and the mom has sort of a different set of ideals on this. Well, how would you reconcile that?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Well, it’s interesting when I think about where’s the harm here. So some of the harm is spending money that doesn’t make sense and having to really think with kids about values and money and spending. The harms I see remaining, one that the mom actually brings up is actually some of these products actually are not good for kid’s skin. So work with your dermatologist. That’s a line that we hold, right? We don’t do anything that’s not safe. But really getting into a painful place with her kid about this and feeling at odds with her kid and the letter ended so poignant with something like, do I have to choose between my relationship with my kid and these things? Which that’s a terrible place to be.
So the first thing I would say is that I hope that the way we started about there’s a piece of this that’s not new and that is integral to 10 and 11 year olds. It’s just taking a very particularly sort of strange form right now. I hope that that helps the parent feel a bit better. I think because right now the way kids are going at this, it can seem so offputting that you’re like, “Who is this weird child wanting to shop at these?” I was with a sixth grader and I was asking her about this and she was like, oh yeah, here are the brands. And she ran them down. She’s like Drunk Elephant, ever eve or something. So I went and looked them up. I’m like, holy moly, these are so expensive.
So I get it that it can put adults in this position of feeling a bit appalled. So that’s not a good place to start a relationship with a kid from a sense of being appalled by them. So hopefully there’s a sense of you know what, this has always been what kids do. Then I think the next thing I would say by way of maintaining the relationship is to appreciate kids get caught up in fads. They’re very conscious of what their peers have access to and it’s actually nothing new under the sun for a parent to say, I won’t buy what your friend’s parents will buy. This is part of parenting.
And it’s also nothing new under the sun. For kids to get hurt by that or upset about that, we have to be able to withstand that, as parents. We have to be able to let them be upset with us for not buying them what other parents will buy. And one of the things that makes that easier to do is to say, “Here’s where I can meet you halfway. Here’s what I would’ve spent. You can have this much money and you figure out the rest or the day will come where you have a job and you can spend your money as you please. And I understand you feel helpless and I’m sorry you feel helpless. And I know that’s an uncomfortable feeling, not changing my mind, not changing my values, but I can be empathic about the way in which you feel stuck here.”
So there’s ways even while holding one’s ground on values and money and what’s appropriate that we can still be really kind to kids and appreciate. They’re kind of in a pinch. This is the trend of the moment. Other kids are getting stuff they can’t have. It feels bad.

Reena Ninan:
It makes the kid feel bad.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
It makes the kid feel bad. The kid’s a bit helpless. Right? Everyone around them is doing this. They are young. They are concrete in their thinking. They can’t really see it the way we as adults see it. And we’re the ones who are shutting it down. You can be tender with the kid about the fact that they’re caught a bit in that moment.

Reena Ninan:
How much do you think feeding into this cycle is not just friends but what they’re consuming online?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Okay, this is fascinating to me, Reena. For older kids, I think it’s very influencer based that they’re looking at. And we’ve talked I think a little bit about those “that girl” videos of, and it gets to questions of optimization, which we’ve definitely talked about. “Here’s my perfect day.” And people put up these curated videos and it’s like they wake up, they have their matcha latte, they have their beautiful breakfast, they do this skincare routine. It’s often sort of folded into these very popular, very powerful videos for older girls. Now, the sixth grader I mentioned who was running down for me, the brands, she does not have social media. Her peers do not have social media. This is getting to them. And also, I mean the kid I think in this letter could be getting in any variety ways. I can tell you it is pushing down into the culture, into what’s happening that kids don’t have to be on social media and young kids don’t have to be on social media for this to somehow be finding its way to them. And I think often the way it happens is they have a classmate who either is on social media or has older siblings on social media. So the older siblings are bringing it home and then the classmate who’s getting it from the older siblings, it’s almost like a virus.

Reena Ninan:
It sounds like a virus because just because you think you’ve been feeding broccoli and vitamin C to your kid, the exposure is not, you can’t contain it.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
They’re going to show up at school and the whole class is caught it. And it doesn’t matter that they’re not on social media. Now your kid’s exposed, right? I mean basically it’s like a virus now that we think about it. And so sometimes social media is a big factor, but I’m hearing about this with kids whose parents have been very regulated about social media. It’s the hot fad trend of the moment, which Reena, good news, it will soon be replaced by something else. I mean find me a jelly band, right? Those are gone jelly bracelet, right? You should find jelly bracelets, right?

Reena Ninan:
Yes. They should come back.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Duck tape. We have all this colorful duct tape now in our, where we keep our tools.

Reena Ninan:
Hilarious.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
It came and then it went.

Reena Ninan:
Yeah. I want to ask you about boys Lisa, are boys into beauty products like this the same way that girls are? Is it gender-based here? What do you think?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
So here’s what I’m hearing. Not quite. This is a very centered on girls phenomenon, which isn’t to say that boys aren’t into it at all. I’m hearing that some boys, and this is again social media mediated, there’s not not influencers on boys worlds. These sort of vibe videos of kind of millennial guy running his life, running it well. There can be skincare stuff involved and I’m hearing about older boys wanting very expensive skincare. Like products that are not sold at your drugstore. I’m hearing about middle school, younger boys, high school being into cologne like expensive colognes.

Reena Ninan:
That’s so true.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Are you hearing this?

Reena Ninan:
Yes. My son loves my husband’s Old Spice deodorant. Cause it has this cologny kind of smell to it. And it just reminds him of his dad and I think maturity. So he loves sneaking into our bathroom and putting it on before school.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Okay so I’m hearing about boys asking for pricey colognes and it used to be like Axe, right? I don’t know if you Axe is its own, we could do a whole episode on Axe, but we’re talking way past Axe, right? So if Axe is what skincare used to be for kids, I would say cologne is what’s elaborate skincare has become for girls. So these don’t map perfectly, but this is a pretty girl phenomenon for now.

Reena Ninan:
And I will say though I’m experiencing middle school boy hair gel. This is a thing. Hair gel like the right hair product all of a sudden matters in a great deal, at least in my household. That’s a sample size of one. Take it for what it is.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Well, no, but what I’ve heard over the years is that boys will say that their hair is the equivalent of girls’ makeup. That wanting to sort of fuss with oneself, present oneself in a particular way that boys yes can be very, very preoccupied with their hair and how it’s arranged. And again, let’s not forget that we were the same way, we were the same way without any YouTube teaching us to be this way without all of these extraordinary marketing machines that can now get to kids in a totally different way. We still were very preoccupied with our own little selves.

Reena Ninan:
Good point.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
As middle and high school students.

Reena Ninan:
You’re absolutely right. So when you look at this and you step back big picture, the thing that really stood out in this letter to me was the concern the mom had, which you about just not wanting to jeopardize the relationship. So as you’ve talked in many podcasts about them creating their own identity and sort of separating, what do you want parents to keep in mind as we’re kind of walking this fine line of allowing it but not allowing it, of making them feel like they’ve got the freedom but not letting them damage their face?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
I mean, that’s what it comes down to. Okay, so here’s what I’ll say. Try not to be mad at the kid. I think that that’s what’s so challenging in situations like this is. Suddenly you have what feels like a very self-involved, very indulged kid making wild requests for expensive items. I don’t know how you don’t almost have an initial reaction of being angry with the kid, but what I would say is see if you can step back from that. That can be the first reaction. And just think about all of the forces that are coming to bear on this kid all at once, wanting to be connected to peers, being on the receiving end of somebody’s extraordinarily clever marketing machine. Somehow, even if they’re not holding that phone in their hands themselves. Wanting to collect things, having envy. It’s very hard when your classmates are being given things that you yourself want and you can’t get them. That our kids are sort of in a pickle on this one, and it’s understandable why they may make us feel angry. I think the more we can try to see the jam they’re in, what we can offer and what we won’t offer by way of helping them through that jam. I think that’s how we can really maintain a relationship even as they navigate big huge questions about money, values, appearance, self preoccupation, all of these things. These are big topics that are all coming up on this one thing.

Reena Ninan:
Yeah, you’re right. It’s like there’s so much that comes out of this one issue that I did not realize until we dissected it today.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Yeah, no, it’s really quite multilayered and fascinating. Right? Fascinating in that way.

Reena Ninan:
So what do you have first, Lisa, for Parenting to Go?

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Well, one thing that does come up in parenting and comes up in this letter is that sometimes kids will want to do things that are actually unsafe and those are non-negotiables, but there are times when we can pull in a neutral party to help make our point. And so here either the internet and reliable sites or if you have a good pediatrician dermatologist that you can access easily, having that person say, here’s why you cannot use these serums at this age. Here’s the damage it will do. Here’s the real cost to this in terms of your health. Recruit those people to help because that actually can diffuse some of the tension with your kid. Rather than being like, “I’m the one who’s saying you can’t have these things.” You can be like, “We are deferring to experts who are saying this is not a good idea for you.”
You can do the same around a kid who’s not eating enough. You can do it the same around a kid who’s nutrition you’re worried about. You can bring in pediatrician, nutritionist to actually help weigh in neutrally on that. And then you can say, as a parent, “I’m not doing my job as a parent. If an expert is telling us this isn’t good for you and I don’t go with the expert’s advice.” So you can neutralize it a bit. Stand up for safety, stand up for reality, and explain to your kid, “This is part of how I take good care of you. As we get good information about what keeps you safe.”

Reena Ninan:
And what a great lesson that they start learning that you’ve got to collect information to make a decision on anything in life.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Absolutely. And that there’s good information to be had and we use it wisely.

Reena Ninan:
Love it.
Well, thank you so much and thank you to this wonderful mom in Romania for writing this letter that just transcends countries. I think everyone is really dealing with an issue. Many people are dealing with issues like this.
So Lisa, next week we’re going to talk about a subject that many people go through. Breakup. What do you do after your kid goes through a romantic breakup? It’s hard to watch.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
Hard to watch.

Reena Ninan:
But I’ll see you next week.

Dr. Lisa Damour:
I’ll see you next week.