Key takeaways
- When friends leave your teen out, you can support them by raising the idea that the situation may be far less personal than it feels, trying to stay neutral about the kids doing the excluding, and focusing on helping without fixing.
- Adolescents sometimes distance themselves from old friends because they become deeply invested in their emerging identities and are drawn to company they feel signals who they are becoming.
- Kids’ interests and social circles continue to evolve, and some former friendships often find renewed life, so be cautious about criticizing the kids who are pulling away.
- Treating a social setback like an emergency can send kids the message that we don’t think they’re up to handling painful feelings; instead, use these moments to help them build healthy coping skills.
On last week’s episode of the Ask Lisa podcast—“How Your Kid’s Exclusion Hurts You Too”—I was joined by Michelle Icard, an expert on all things middle school and the author of three terrific books about tweens and teens. We responded to a letter from a mother whose daughter was being left out by a group of girls she’d grown up with.
Michelle and I considered the anger and helplessness parents often feel in these moments and talked through how we can manage our own emotions while simultaneously helping our adolescents with theirs. Be sure to watch the episode on YouTube or listen to it wherever you get your podcasts.
How can parents help a teen who is being left out by friends?
When shifting social dynamics leave your kid feeling hurt, here are three points from our discussion on offering support.
1. Raise the idea that the situation may be far less personal than it feels
There are two common—and not at all personal—reasons why adolescents sometimes distance themselves from old friends. One is that tweens and teens often become deeply invested in their emerging identities, making them less inclined to hang out with past friends who don’t share their new interests. The other is that adolescents are often drawn to company they feel signals who they are becoming, in the process separating themselves from kids they used to spend time with.
To ease some of the sting for your kid, perhaps say: “This isn’t happening because something is the matter with you—everyone is changing right now, and not always in the same direction or at the same speed. That can pull friends apart, even when they still like each other.”
2. Try to stay neutral about the kids doing the excluding
A friendship that’s strained right now might look very different in time. Kids’ interests and social circles continue to evolve, meaning that some former friendships often find renewed life. Given this, we want to be cautious about criticizing kids who are abandoning their old social connections.
As Michelle aptly pointed out, a rupture in our kid’s friendships is not so different from a friend’s romantic breakup: we should offer all the compassion in the world, but railing against the “ex” could land us in an awkward spot if the relationship is rekindled down the road. “I know this friendship has changed,” you might say, “but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over for good. Sometimes people grow apart and then find their way back to one another when they’re older.”
3. Focus on helping without fixing
Kids often feel deeply upset when they’re left behind by a friend or pushed out of a group, and as loving parents we naturally want to rush to their emotional rescue. But as well-intentioned as this is, treating a social setback like an emergency can send our kids the message that we don’t think they’re up to handling painful feelings.
Let’s instead use these moments to help kids build healthy coping skills that will serve them long after a particular rough patch is behind them. Rather than intervene or offer solutions, we might warmly say, “This really stinks, and I can see why you’re so upset. Do you have a sense of what you could do that might help you feel a bit better?”
Frequently asked questions
Why do teens drift away from their childhood friends?
According to Dr. Damour, there are two common—and not at all personal—reasons. Tweens and teens often become deeply invested in their emerging identities, making them less inclined to hang out with past friends who don’t share their new interests, and they are often drawn to company they feel signals who they are becoming.
What should I say to my teen when friends leave them out?
To ease some of the sting, Dr. Damour suggests saying something like: “This isn’t happening because something is the matter with you—everyone is changing right now, and not always in the same direction or at the same speed. That can pull friends apart, even when they still like each other.”
Should I criticize the kids who are excluding my child?
It’s wise to be cautious. Kids’ interests and social circles continue to evolve, and some former friendships often find renewed life, so railing against the “ex” could land you in an awkward spot if the relationship is rekindled down the road.
Should parents step in to fix a teen’s friendship problems?
Dr. Damour recommends helping without fixing. Treating a social setback like an emergency can send kids the message that we don’t think they’re up to handling painful feelings, so rather than intervene or offer solutions, use these moments to help them build healthy coping skills.
This piece was originally published in Dr. Lisa Damour’s newsletter in October 2026.
